Surrender?

things had been bz bz bz lately, just got back from staff advance last week. Got to meet alot of people over at the staff advance. i was part of the planning committee and also one of the bus i/c and also the sound and photographer, sound like i got alot to do. haha, well nothing much actually, enjoyed myself, lately i have been asking myself the qn am i the third party? Should i be the one tt let go? Am i doing all this just for her sake? well all i know is that i am doing all this because i don't wanna be how i use to be like. i am doing it for myself, it is hard. very hard. Will i end up really being with you, i dun noe? All i know is even if you leave me i will continue to do the thing i know is going to help me change, i am changing not for your sake or what. I am changing for God's glory and i want to let people see God thru my life. It is really going to be hard. During the advance i was reminded once again that if i only believe in Him then only can i soar like an eagle, it is the same as i read today's matt it keep repeating believe in me and by your faith. Saying is cheap, doing is hard. I want to change! i realize it has been very long since i spend time with God. in order for me really to have God being close to me i need to really die to me own desire, and let His will be done. I admit it is hard to follow but i will do it! the process is not going to be overnight or in 1 mth, might not even be a yr. Are you really ready to walk this journey with me? what am i writing???
There is something i wish to tell you personally.